Hunger is good.

Hunger means we're doing it right.
Hunger is kind little parasites that feed off our fat.
Hunger means you have nothing to be upset about.
Hungry is what we aim for! 
Real hunger is people who are starving, who don't have food.
We are not starving, we are fat, and we should welcome hunger.
Hunger means you're on track.
Hunger is cleaning our bodies.
Hunger is knowing you're alive.
Hunger is real, it's feeling something, it's beautiful. 
Hunger makes colours brighter, sounds louder and images sharper.
Hunger gets you high.
Hunger is a natural drug.

Hunger is right.  

Nearly halfway to a hundred.

I've had a coffee today. Wouldnt it be wonderful if that's all I had?

I'm going shopping with my friend. (how normal)

Sometimes I wonder if people are going to catch me out. You know, if they see a glimpse of the shy scared fat girl in between the manic, bouncing, irritatingly optimistic and wise, well put together person that I appear to be. If they notice that actually, she talks about food and how she will happily demolish a whole fudge cake (not a lie) but we never see her eat. She talks about fashion and beauty yet she goes to ridiculous lengths to hide her skin. She never talks about her home life, she never talks about her love life, what's up with that?

Yes, I'll always look on the bright side of a bad situation, I'll cheer people up when they're sad, I'll sing loudly to let everyone know I'm a happy person, but I'm always thinking if a car came and crushed me into a lifeless corpse,

well that'd be just fine. 

The brilliant thing about the world is this - nobody gives a shit what anyone else does.

Sometimes I'll get too cocky, too lax and the kitchen will look the same at night as it did in the morning, though I've been the only person in the house. Whoops, better start leaving dirty plates out and make some food go missing out of the cupboard. Better to have them calling me a dirty pig than make me actually eat. ew. Sometimes I can't hide my disgust if someone makes me a latte with normal milk. Fuck it.

I'm a fake! I'm a fraud! it takes a double dose to keep me from crying. I don't really feel more comfortable wearing guys clothes, they just cover me better. I laugh and say to people "Why are you nervous? why are you scared?" when I shit myself every time I step out of the front door.

But hey, I'm too hard on myself. At least I actually step out of the front door, I never used to. Looking out of the window used to be too much. Then being awake when anyone else was became too much. I would sleep through the day, then I'd get up and live my life in my tiny room through the night, going to sleep as soon as the rest of the house woke up. Hearing another human would terrify me. I became nothing, I didn't look at mirrors, I didn't wash my hair or dress myself, in my mind, I didn't exist. And to be honest, it was wonderful.

Now look at me. Shopping with a friend from work on my day off.

21lbs lighter. 

I may not be completely there yet, but I'd say I'm well into halfway. let's do this.

New LW

Head like a steel trap

Ten days til christmas

and I'm not thin 

127lbs.

I'm on the slim fast diet, each shake is 200 cal, and then I can have a 600 calorie meal or two 300 calorie meals in order to keep under 800. 

I have to be 120 for xmas. I have to I have to I have to I have to

I keep missing my medication not intentionally but I feel so tired and shit all the time.

I have to focus

I have to concentrate

I can't eat anymore 

I feel funny, going to snuggle up in bed with tea

Telling Everyone I'm On A Diet

I've told my boyfriend I'm on a diet. I've told everyone at work I'm on a diet.  

I guess the main reason I do this is so I eat right at work. So, when all the girls order hot chocolates with whipped cream, I literally CAN'T order one, because then they'll know I'm a failure and they'll all look at how fat and disgusting and weak and out of control and full of shit I am.                   

My colleagues said, "why?" 
"to lose weight"
a guy said "You're not exactly fat though, are you?"
I just shrugged. "Not medically, no."
A girl who's bigger than me said, "I must be obese then"

I don't care if she's bigger, I don't care. Some people can pull it off, I truthfully do not give a shit what other people who are bigger than me look like. There's a really beautiful girl who I work with, and she's a size bigger than I am, and I literally cannot comprehend how the fuck that is possible, I guess it has to be because she's pretty, and she has boobs. 

I think I know the balance between disordered talk and diet talk. Though sometimes I do babble about calories. Of course, I don't tell them about purging, or the fact that I want to be so thin I could crumble into dust. I don't tell them about fainting and hair loss and lack of menstruation are all things I take as signs I'm on the right track. I don't know if I care about society's idea of beauty. I just want to be thin. I want to be thin more than anything. I want to be thin more than life itself.

Sometimes I think because I know I'm sick, how can I be sick? I KNOW what I'm doing isn't exactly normal, but then again I don't really see anything wrong with eating enough to survive, why do we have to live in such a gluttonous state our whole lives?  I think other people are wrong.